After getting my assessment for Phase 2 I do not know quite what to think. It was noted that apparently I had not mentioned that I wanted to use this MA as a way to get into the film industry, which I for one think is not entirely true. As, at the very beginning of Phase 1 when we did our personal presentations, I presented my film I produced in my third year of my Film degree. Stated the jobs I did, what I enjoyed and how I wanted to get involved in the film industry. It was when I mentioned cosplay and my costumes – relating my hobby to the MA so there was more understanding as to why I took a costume MA that suddenly all tutors took great interest in my costume history, in the idea of character and my apparent ‘psychosis’ of gender. It was through their persuasion and discussion that I abandoned my film aspect – even though I had said at numerous tutorials at the beginning I would like to do something filmic. However as the MA went on it seemed like I had to deviate from that. Hence why I have been getting involved in my own filmic projects on the side.
I just feel very deflated as I actually did extensive work for my PDP but apparently it wasn’t enough to warrant a reasonable mark, so generally I’m a bit of a loss at what to do. There was further discussion in my assessment regarding gender at a psychological level – which I have stated on numerous occasions that I don’t want to bother with. It feels like this attempt to get me to look into it is like everyone is telling me that I have a psychological ‘problem’ with gender views and values and identity, which is horribly frustrating. The reason I don’t want to go into too much detail with gender is because I find gender boring, it is not something I care about because I find gender to be fluid – as I have mentioned before. Therefore, I think little of it, and it doesn’t bother me, but it comes across that because it doesn’t bother me, it must be something I must research and look into to find out WHY. I don’t want to find out why. That is my view that is my opinion. What I think is not a ‘problem’, I do not have an ‘identity problem’ because of my views on gender, so why, is it so important for me to look into it when I could look into something that I might actually be interested in?
I don’t want to perform the character externally either – this is something else I have expressed before. I would want to perform it purely in a digital platform because that is essentially what they are created for. Why would I drag a character out of the platform they have been created in? I don’t entirely know.
Quite frankly, since the assessment my head is in a bit of a mess, and I don’t feel like doing Phase 3 as I had thought before. I have asked for a tutorial to be booked. I just want to get everything sorted now. Though I feel all my research for Phase 2 was pretty redundant as my mark was so low. So I don’t know what to focus my work on next and I don’t know what the uni expects of me to get me an okay mark? Am I supposed to dance around outside naked, quoting Twelfth Night and blag something about how I’m exploring my inner gender psyche? Because that is what it feels like. I’ve known from the beginning that what the uni and I see are two completely different things, so it is incredibly difficult to work in a way that seems to fit the uni’s views and criteria. I thought the course was going to be significantly different to what I have been given, I was hoping to learn new skills and techniques to create exciting new costumes and the likes – whereas it has been completely the opposite, so it is very difficult to try and feel like I am actually getting anything out of this course. The only thing at the moment is the knowledge that I shall hopefully at least get some ‘MA’ letters on my CV at the end of it. It would be nice, at least, perhaps after Phase 3 to feel like I have achieved more than that. But at the moment, it certainly doesn’t feel like it.
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